Monday, October 17, 2016

Thank you to whoever answered

And I guess I spent so many years 
thinking the world owed me something.
Like my sucky beginning somehow should
result in amazing karma for the rest of my life
or that any prayer I dare ever let slip from my tongue be answered accordingly.
As in who cares about kids dying of cancer because at least someone like doctors listen to them... treat them... care for them.
All my time waisted as I threw away smile after smile on stupid boys 
because I wanted to make something work for once 
and all these terrible things occurring in the world and I only seemed to care about myself...
But in the end?
I don't think I was selfish because I spent my entire life fighting a war
when I felt like I lost to myself in every battle.
And to be honest? I never knew if there was a god, 
I know that there were days... weeks even 
where every other thought would question his existence
and ever should he be real... what are the chances he'd give two shits about me when he'd dealt me with years of agony... 
he doesn't care because no one ever could 
and every sermon a pastor could deliver 
would never save me from the devil in myself and the dark thoughts that cloud my mind 
and how could I ever expect to be in heaven when I was so used to hell.
... and here I am... years after 
when I still don't have things quite figured out 
and I still couldn't tell you if there is a god or not... all I know is that... someone, somewhere, somehow heard my pleas... 
the world never owed me anything and even if it did... It gave me more than enough when it sent me you... this cold hearted world found a way to make me eternally grateful
-thank you to whoever answered

Thursday, October 13, 2016

What am I doing here?

What am I doing here?
I fail to see the point of sitting in an uncomfortable desk
surrounded by cinderblock walls no windows, closed doors.
Given readings, given homework, worksheets
the means of which I'll never have a use for
and everyone beside me seems to excel
and my worth is determined on whether I pass or fail.
Am I not cut out for this cookie cutter system
or am I trapped in an institution stuck in the past
am I the victim?
If I leave will I be labeled as a slacker?
Could I even get a job as a burger stacker?
Why am I born into debt,
To who?
To my country?
I'm only 18 with adult responsibility
And I'll never get anywhere with a lack of cash
And following my heart would damn me to lower class
The disappointment I would see
in my parents
With no job opportunities and an inability
to pay rent
Do I kill myself trying to make them proud
Break my spirit just to make ends meet
and if I get what I want will it actually
taste sweet?
I'm not made to be a robot
no perfect circuitry
I must have blown a fuse
That's just not me
So tell me how it came to this
Why I'm shoved into this mold
Cause an unhappiness like this
(like our system)
is getting kind of old.

A letter to society

How am I supposed to feel empowered 
when my worth is reduced too 
what was given to me between my legs.
The only power I have in this life is 
being manipulative and 
I am the one expected to accept blame when 
I am no longer found fascinating
by those who claim to love me.
How can I be expected to feel 
successful when the only task I 
am asked to do involve cooking, cleaning, or 
taking care of children. I am not a perfect essence 
of housewife and I do not find it my 
duty to look after others, because 
I can supply for myself.
Do not shame me into 
the shadows of a man. You break 
me down and melt my will to fight 
for myself to build be into 
a mold of what you expect me to be.
You cannot tell me I am beautiful
 then paste pictures of girls with 
unattainable unnatural beauty on
every street across the country.
You cannot play innocent when 
it is you who has made me into 
the shell of a human,
It is you who has crushed me
into the ideals of "femininity"

- A letter to society