Monday, October 17, 2016

Thank you to whoever answered

And I guess I spent so many years 
thinking the world owed me something.
Like my sucky beginning somehow should
result in amazing karma for the rest of my life
or that any prayer I dare ever let slip from my tongue be answered accordingly.
As in who cares about kids dying of cancer because at least someone like doctors listen to them... treat them... care for them.
All my time waisted as I threw away smile after smile on stupid boys 
because I wanted to make something work for once 
and all these terrible things occurring in the world and I only seemed to care about myself...
But in the end?
I don't think I was selfish because I spent my entire life fighting a war
when I felt like I lost to myself in every battle.
And to be honest? I never knew if there was a god, 
I know that there were days... weeks even 
where every other thought would question his existence
and ever should he be real... what are the chances he'd give two shits about me when he'd dealt me with years of agony... 
he doesn't care because no one ever could 
and every sermon a pastor could deliver 
would never save me from the devil in myself and the dark thoughts that cloud my mind 
and how could I ever expect to be in heaven when I was so used to hell.
... and here I am... years after 
when I still don't have things quite figured out 
and I still couldn't tell you if there is a god or not... all I know is that... someone, somewhere, somehow heard my pleas... 
the world never owed me anything and even if it did... It gave me more than enough when it sent me you... this cold hearted world found a way to make me eternally grateful
-thank you to whoever answered

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